xxwhenitrains

People are still trying to add me on this, and I do not do anything with this journal any longer.

Please comment my FO entry and I will be sure to add you.

Goodbye, My Almost Lover.
Unrequited Ryan/Brendon. Brendon/Gabe.
! Alcoholism, mentions of abuse, cursing.
Don't own anyone mentioned.
disco_xdramatic - xxwhenitrains (both me, same person)
2,379.



And 373 miles away, Ryan realizes he still fucking can't.

( Can't you just let me be? )

Okay, so if you haven't already, add my new journal, because I'm thinking about canceling this account altogether when I finish We're Gonna Bury this Town Tonight.


IT'S:
xxwhenitrains

LOL JEAN, TYSM FOR INTRODUCING ME TO PURE GENIUS. 
You always manage to make me laugh when I can't do it myself bby.

 

Oh jeez. :(

Iron, Neon Lights & Weed is shitting me to tears. I'm on chapter 20 and just kdasfghitjghu. Rawr.

I'm going to the movies tonight, I guess. I invited people I haven't hung out with in ages and I'm excited as to see how that goes. I just don't want any drama. I don't want to find that I'm being left out, either. Again.

I miss infatuatedxmind terribly because it seems like ages since we last talked even though it really wasn't. In other news, I still need to Beta The Rise and Demise for her which you should totally go read right now or start reading.

Also, there's this guy, and just. Meh, I think you know. But I don't want to sound like a little girl that thinks she just fell in love with her boyfriend of three days, so I'll stop.

Ehm. My band director gave me a part in the duet in the song Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! for our Christmas concert today. It's the melody too, great. The flute player has the harmony, it's so easy! I swear he hates me. But! Seriously, going over the break FIVE TIMES in THREE MEASURES? That should be illegal.

this was edited three times, btw.
and I just edited again.

SO.
ETA: JEAN JUST IM'D ME AND JEEZ. JEDI MUCH. GAH

Okay, I'm done rambling. I felt the need for an update.

Wake up and waste a day
Chase away
A day at a time
And waste away
Clean-faced today
Clean taste today
Toothpaste makes my orange juice sour
Waste an hour
Or so
My shower is slow
The flowers that grow
Outside of my window
Are blooming
I'm assuming
That you're comin' over soon
It's almost half past four
And you called here at noon
'cause there's a picture that you wanna see
Now I'm not even good at being me anymore.

She's got nicotine-basted lungs
Wasted thumbs
And one of them asphalt tastin' tounges
She wakes up to her alarm
Her make-up is still on
And she can't remember why she set the damn thing
Her heart is a machine
Art is meant to be seen
Not felt
Not heard
It's just paint
They're just words
And fingers are for feeling
Fists are for beating
Scabs are for healing
And blood is for bleeding
That's just how I used to be
But I'm not even good at being me anymore.

I wake up and waste an hour
Pace and glower
At the TV set wasting power
Aching in my head
I'm banking in the red
And compulsively charging cd's to my account
So come out Virginia, don't make me wait
You Catholic girls start much too late
Now it's too late in the day
For a matinee
And I ain't got the money to pay
For you anyway
What should I say?
I know it ain't how it used to be
But I'm not good at being me anymore.

William Beckett supposively has a ~child? LOL, I'm not even going to say what's on my mind right now.

Of course, everyone on fbr_trash and tai's LJ are being ~st00pid or ~evil. Sers. Just because somebody wants to know what's going on doesn't automatically mean they're teenies. Vageezus, seriously.

HERE COMES THE M-PREG, SERS. AND I THOUGHT THE ~SEX TAPE PORN WAS BAD. HERE IT FRIGGIN' COMES.

I honestly don't want to THINK of Bill being pregnant. *shudder*

I've had my daily dose of gossip, tbqh.

Firstly, am I the only one who still checks LetsDisco to see if it somehow resurrected itself?

Secondly, Jon misses us. That makes me happy.

Thrice, as much as I can't believe I'm saying this, all the ~porn that followed the Sex Tape vid is kinda getting on my nerves. I guarantee if that interviewer hadn't said "here comes the fanfiction" and Brendon adn Ryan didn't agree, not half as much of the porn would show up on s!.

Fourth, I want my old life back.

Fifth, I want to be little again.

Sixth, I'm afraid to go to school now because of one teacher.

Seventh, I'm thinking about dropping all of my friends that I'm at my wits end with and starting over. Breathing new life, if you will.

I know just posted but

I'm actually supposed to be working right now, in my desk, at school, in math, but I got checked out.

Why?

I got fucking written up (that's ALC, or Alternative Learning Center, if you didn't know. And it's bad) for something I didn't fucking do.

I'm sitting in study hall. I'm sick. So I'm sitting there, and I need a tissue. I get up, walk to Mrs. Herbert's desk, get a tissue, and she yells at me, she goes, "I didn't tell you you could get up! Go sit DOWN and throw that away." so I'm like, "Whatever." and I sat down. I've basically got snot running down my face, so I get up when she walks out of the room and get one. She comes back in three minutes later and goes, "Who was at my desk while I was gone?" and I wasn't going to lie. So I raise my hand and tell her I went to get a tissue. She yelled at me and made me go out into the hall. Which is also, bad. Hallway = Coach. Coach = beat your ass. So I'm still like, whatever, and I walk out. The bell rings, and I go back in and get my stuff. She's out of the room, AGAIN, and she catches me walking down the hall. She tells me to go back ot her room. So I do. She walks in and goes, "I want you to take this home and write it three times and bring it back Monday." (It was a sheet of the conduct code and shit). And I'm not going to walk out defeated so I go, "What did I do?" and she geos, "I told you NOT to get a tissue and you defy me and do it anyway!" so I get an attitude, which I will admit wasn't a good idea. I said, "Excuse me for being sick, Mrs. H. I can't help it. I needed a tissue and you wouldn't let me get one, so excuse me." and THEN she tell sme she's going to write me up. So I apologize and she doesn't take it.

I'm a VERY sensitive person. I can't handle getting yelled at or reprimanded, at all. I'm a good student. I didn't do anything. So I ALL THE WAY down the hall, and I'm crying, people are either a: laughing at me or b: asking what was wrong. I can'ts tand both. So I get to math and I'm crying, and finally I just get up in the middle of the lesson and walk out of the class to the batheroom. I called my mom and she's like, "I'm on my way, calm down. Get your stuff together." (nicely, surprisingly enough). So I do and get called for checkout.

Then I'm walking to the Att. Office, and my mom hasn't checked me out yet. I had to choke out what was wrong and stuff, and then my Career Discovery teacher whom I love came over and I hadto tell HER what happened. They're both reassuring me it's okay and all that crap. So then Mrs. Read goes, "Do you want to switch B5's?" so I took the offer and said yes.

Now I'm an Office Helper for grade six, which is 10x better than being in that hellhole with that fucking bitch. Seriously, it pisses me the fuck off and I can't wait until the end of the year so I can give that bitch a piece of my mind and she can't do shit about it.

Okay random, but it made me laugh and I thought I'd share it.

I KNOW the article for those of you who read it on MSN says Jon, editor, but I got the MSNBC "entertainment" article and it says:

Close your eyes
“I had one girlfriend who, for some reason, always kept her eyes open when we kissed. I’d get this strange feeling that I was being watched while we made out, only to open my eyes briefly to find her staring back at me. Not only was it disconcerting as hell, but it made me self-conscious. Was she picking apart my moves? Did I make some kind of funny face I wasn’t aware of? I’d be completely thrown for the rest of the night.” —Jon W.

Just for the lolz.

In other news, it's Halloween! I'm going to a party tonight so that should be good. Except there's this guy there that's got this mad crush on me and it's just slightly irritating. I don't feel like getting stalked tonight, tbh.

But there's candy!

Okay, Young Wild Things...oh my god.

And I thought HCT was amazing? Fucking please. YWT beat any other concert I have ever been to. & I've been to A LOT of concerts...

I woke up at fucking seven AM. I was just getting over the flu, and I felt so fucking terrible. My mom was like, "Youa ren't going if you feel this way later." so I slept and slept and slept and finally woke back up at two and I felt loads better. Well, not really, but I can fake it.

So then we drive up there, blah blah. We get to the fucking venue, and seriously. I'd seen concerts there before but I never went to the motherfucking TOP of the venue and walked across the damn bridge. It was incredible.

Yeah, but. Me and my sister go up there to where they said to wait for M&G, and we wait.And wait. And wait. AND FINALLY. SOME BIGASS GUY COMES ACROSS THE BRIDGE AND IT TAKES AGES BECAUSE SERIOUSLY OUR RIVER IS FUCKING HUGE. But yeah, he comes across and he's all, "GREEN BRACELETS THIS WAY! GREEN BRACELETS THIS WAY! GODDAMNIT I CAN'T YELL ANY LOUDER. GREEN BRACELETS THIS WAY." So we follow him BACK across the bridge, and the plaza, to the back of the venue where this glass room was. We're told the rules, blah blah blah, BORIIIIIING. Me and my sister met these two girls adn they were absolutely amazing, seriously.

But yeah, so we wait in 42 degree weather (most of my friends are from Aus on here and they have to convert that. But Jean said it was COLD. And Jean wins at life, so she's right.) The guys go over the rules again and then about five minutes later, I turn around and there's people walking my way. It's dark so I can't see but I KNOW it's them. I looke dup and I did this side-ways head turn thing and I go, "WHAT?" and my sister is like O_____O "Uhhh..." and we flip out.

They went inside and sat down and I'm like, "LILLIE, LOOK. PATRICK JUST SCRATCHED HIS NOSE. DID YOU SEE THAT? HOLY SHIT I NEED PICTURES." I really was. Me and my sister and Tara and wtf was her name again? were the sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth people in line, so we get to go in first in the group of twelve.

The M&G...it really wans't anything spectacular. We walked in, handed them what we wanted signed, exchanged hi's and how are you's, and left for the picture.

Let me just say this...Pete, was a total jackass. I don't care if I get ~*megabashed for that, but he was just flat. out. rude. JOETROH WAS AMAZING THOUGH, HO. He really was sweet and nice. :]


So we go back out in the COLD (andy bby warm me up?) and wait for the line to end so we can go back in for pictures. The first five girls go in, get a picture, walk out, and then me, my sister, Tara, and the other girl go in. Seriously, I was running to get in between Andy and Patrick. I was like, "Can I squeeze in here?" And they go, "Yeah, of course!" so I got in and I was SO milking it. I put my arms around them and wirhewtrfew. Jaysus.

PATRICK IS SO AWKWARD TBH. WTF, SERS. HE IS. I walked up and I go, "Hi! :D" and he goes. "Hi...erm, can I sign this for you?"
"of course!"
"So...uhh. Do you watch TAI TV?"
"Religiously."
"Haha, okay, cool."
"Why, Patrick Stump, do YOU watch it?"
"Hey, I don't care about my guilty pleasure okay? That Sisky is just irresistable."
LOLOL AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE GUILTY PLEASURE PART WHEN I WAS TALKING OT JEAN BUT LOL SERS. GENIUSGENIUSGENIUS.

Then we walked out. We went BACK over the bridge, BACK into the ticket building, BACK up the stair, BACK across the venue top, and into our seats.

You know what is screwed about meet and greets? Since you get M&G, you don't get early entry. Screwed, I know. So me and my sister end up ALL THE WAY in the back. In the nosebleed. ALMOST touching the sky only not really. But it got better! My sister being the absolutely amazing person that she is, gets out of her seat after Cute Is What We Aim For was off, the first band, and she fucking cusses out the security guard.

He goes, "If you don't have seats, go to the back and get out of the aisle?"
and he said that to her and she goes,
"DUDE! SERIOUSLY. THIS IS GENERAL FUCKING ADMISSION. NOBODY HAS ASSIGNED FUCKING SEATS AND I'M TRYING TO FIND A FUCKING EMPTY SEAT FOR ME AND MY SISTER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU'RE PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF."
LOL @ her...so he backs off, and she'son the phone with me, and I'm directing her to empty seats. FUCKING FINALLY, she finds two seats, on ein front of the other, and she's like, "FUCK I FOUND ONE. I FOUND ONE. HURRY."

Yeah, so now, she's eight rows from the stage and I'm nine. It's amazing. They opened with Sugar and I swear to God I had NO energy by the time I was through with the song. I was jumping and headbanging and screaming and shit. Jesus Christ, best concert ever.

Pictures of it when I'm not lazy. I swear this time, i'm still working on TAI pictures...

Don't you love how everyone is so fake now-a-days? I do, really. It's great to know that someone can take a small thing you do and consider it to be something bigger. And it's hilarious to watch them make fools out of themselves because they think that they're something special. That everybody who's anybody should bow at their fucking feet because of one night. Just stop. Stop thinking that you're the coolest thing to hit the earth. You aren't. Stop being a hypocrite. Stop being a bitch. Stop being selfish. Stop being a liar.
I'm sick of you and the bullshit that drags behind.

Wonderful.

I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to be tested for Dyslexia. It sucks because I already have Dyscalculia, which explains my problems in math, and now I may have Dyslexia. That's a fucking struggle with words, for God's sake. I used to be so good at them. But now, whenever I type words or write words, I usually do that incorrectly at least five times. I don't know what sparked it. Seriously, I of all people have a fucking huge vocabulary, I'm a grammar Nazi, etc. And then this happens. I mean, I'm not disappointed in myself or pissed off about it, I'm just a bit put off.

In other news, I sers need to start writing standalones again. I also needa find that new comm. that posted something on s!atd where they post prompts and shit. I need prompts. Bad.

AAAAAAAND. I love infatuatedxmind Jean because she loves me. :]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYLEY WAY. :D



Ooh, bby. I know I'm, like, three days late on this, but my mind just went completely and totally blank. =/
I LOVE YOU BBY.
We haven't hung out in months! I miss yous. :( I say you, me, Mac, Cully, Ruth, Samantha, Jeffrey, and Janie should all go to the movies next week. =]
But yeah HAPPY BIRTHDAY BBY. I LOVE YOU <33333

Since I basically don't feel like thinking of a whole new thing to say for a Livejournal post, I'm just going to cut and paste my about me on MySpace that I just re-did. I've been feeling this way a lot over the past week...

No one ever thinks of me more than once. I'm never the one people think and/or talk about. I'm not the one on 10,000 people's top eights. I'm not the one people call first to hang out with. I'm nobody's "bffl." I'm constantly walked on and forgotten.
By now, I'm used to it, but it doesn't help the fact that that's the reason I want to fucking scream sometimes. I want to be someone and get out of this too-small town. Maybe feel like I'm worth something for once. I'm going to do something that pisses you off to no end or annoys the shit out of you; either way, you're going to get sick of me in the end. I'm not fun to be around. I don't make good jokes, I can't hold a conversation, and the little things I do, will get on your last nerve. People walk on me, and say hurtful things to me, and I act like I either didn't hear it or I did and it didn't bother me one bit. The truth is, it bothers me a lot. I like different things because it makes me feel like maybe I am someone. I dress differently and speak differently because it's part of who I am. And as hard as it may be for me to like myself all the time, the fact that I'm a good person helps. I'm nice, I'm giving, and forgiving. I dwell on the past and regret too much, perhaps, but I'm trying to move foward and start on a clean slate. I try to respect people as often as possible. If I don't, you more than likely deserve it. If I'm a bitch, you've most likely pissed me off. I'm sick and tired of people dropping me like a bomb because I'm not always in a perfectly o-fucking-kay mood. If you're allowed to get angry and frustrated, why the fuck am I not? Honestly.

I'm in a good mood, for once, because we got our averages today at school. I didn't expect them to be that great. What always happens is I don't realize how much I want high averages, so I don't apply myself as much as I good. Still, though, I get A's and B's. Yeah so, I'm gonna post my marks here because my phone is fucking broken & Jess (old tutor) wanted to know how I was doing.

First 9 wks. Marks:
A1: Career Discovery - 100.
A2: Band - Outstanding. Number grade = ??
A3: English - 89 =/
A4: Science = 96.
B5: Study Hall - Outstanding.
B6: Math - I haven't gotten my final mark back in math yet because we just took our exams today, but I reckon it's somewhere in the 78-89 area. Hopefully, because that subject kills me.
B7: Eastern Hemisphere - 89.
B8: English - 89.

I'm rly scared to see what I have in band, though. See, we have to turn in these sheets every Monday or Tuesday with how many days we practiced and for how long, and I ALWAYS forget those fuckers. I'll be lucky to have a D. =/

I've become such a perfectionist, I swear. I used to consider 70's to be good, but I'm looking at all these 80's and I'm like, "That could've been in the 90's." I swear my mom made me that way...

LOL OMFG. MY MATH TEACHER GOT FIRED TODAY. LOLOL IT WAS GREAT. APPARENTLY SOME STUDENTS AND PARENTS HAD COMPLAINED ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTERS BEING "UNCOMFORTABLE" IN HIS CLASSROOM BECAUSE...WELL, HE'S A PERV.

Oh lord it was great.

LOL sI love Hannah I swear...
Hannah: LOOK! Mr. WIltshire's on platinum x's website.
Me: He has to go see his mom strip tonight, obviously.
Hannah: Yeah, he's the whole reason her vag is loose.
Me: Too bad Mr. Wiltshire takes it up the ass.
Hannah: With Mr. Wright, of course.
Me: Obviously.